Since the original "Re-Orientation" post on Tuesday, a process has continued to play itself out.
After putting this to thought last week, the next thing I came to regarding true wealth is selfishness. Selfishness is usually attributed to those who only care about themselves and/or those with a lot who refuse to share. It became clear to me that self-loathing, self-hatred, self-abuse, us vs. them and all the other shit that goes on in our heads are acts of selfishness also rooted in the mindset of "there is not enough to go around." This is the current and accepted basis of economics as we know it. "Earning a living" implies "Earning the right to live."
I am in the process of realizing a successful yoga studio. These are the issues I am confronting. And while I am in the process of looking for investors, on days like today when I am riding the bus in order to get around, I am continually being confronted with my "worth"
I wake from the dream at 4 in the morning. It finished with me opening envelopes in which there were more bills. I wake. It doesn't take long for a panic to set in and for me to begin heaving tears. I can't do this. I have no one. And if it is done, will people show? The fullisade continues. I can't be this way if I run a business. I can't show people this. Am I fake or am I real. Are these tears real. Will I fail. I feel like Job. I feel like Robert DeNiro as Jake LaMotta bloodying his hands and pounding his head against the cell wall, crying "Why?"
There was a time. It was in the evening I think. About 2 years after separating from my family, where I found myself saying, "If you take the next step, There will be no turning back." The implication was I would be leaving my family and truly setting out on my own. I didn't hesitate to take that step.
I have to call somebody. Joanna, Lisa, Susan. The past loves, processes and mutually healed. The verbs. And in my state, I can only feel what I am holding against them, against you, against everyone around me. As I write this, the words come to mind that I thought the night before, "People who don't receive are selfish." I grab the cel phone and dial Lisa's number. She answers in a higher octave, drifty, just woken-out of sleep voice. It frightens me. This is one of the things I am holding against her. I don't know what to expect."What's going on?" she asks. She knows that if I call at time something is going on. I heave and cry. I don't know where to begin. I sputter out the dream. How I don't feel I can pull the studio off. How I've lost faith in myself. It doesn't come out that way but somehow it comes out.
If Lisa is anything, she is a Capricorn, practical and loves looking at clouds. She goes wide, riffing on the ways of economics and it's absurdity to boot. She talks about how while listening to the money shows on NPR, how economics has to take on the guise of Alfred E. Neuman and say, "What? Me worry."And as she talks and I listen and we share, I find myself re-shifting into the place that I wrote of on Tuesday. That there is enough to go around. My heart softens like it is doing right now. And as we talk Lisa and I are in sync, with a larger thing, for a larger thing, for each other, for ourselves. unknowing of where we are going. We are both verbs receiving and sharing our gifts. The wealth of experience and know-how. The wealth of nature.
Buckminster Fuller once said, "I don't set out to design anything with beauty in mind. But if I design something and it comes out beautiful, I know I've designed it well.
Once again, beauty takes care of itself